About Me
- C.Shapiro M.A. C.H.T.
- In private practice since 1973. Trained at the Gestalt Therapy Institute of Washington, DC. Educational background in Cultural Anthropology, Art and Education. I grew up as a Military Brat living in Spain, Japan and the US. I created a Bereavement program for NCJW which I ran for 10 years. I work with individuals, couples and groups.
TALK NUMBER 8 - A SHORT RIFF ON BULLY COUNTER-BALANCE
“That kid is so lazy. She doesn’t like to do her… Chores! Paperwork! Housework!”
From very early on we are conditioned to look at these activities in a negative way. Who would want to do chores or homework? Yikes!
The conditioning to dislike the necessary maintenance of life – the structural activities that actually create a certain kind of ease and balance- starts at a very early age. We get yelled at to do these things, called lazy if we don’t, and build a backlog of resistance. These are the activities that we put off, procrastinate, moan and groan about.
Once upon a time in Japan a housemaid was ironing shirts. The young daughter of the house was confused. “Why are you smiling?” she asked. “When my mom irons shirts she wrinkles her brow and scrunches up her face.”
The housemaid smiled at the little girl and answered, “Everything I do is a meditation. Ironing shirts and making them lovely is just as important as anything else I do.”
True story and even though she was only ten years old, the kid got the message. If we look at everything we do in the right way it can be special and lovely and help us create harmony, beauty and balance in our lives.
Take cleaning the house. It can be a ‘wrinkle-your-brow’ chore or it can become a challenging, balancing act.
I can imagine you raising your eyebrows right now, rolling your eyes and saying, “Yeah, right…”
But imagine re-framing housecleaning. Instead of putting it into a high-groan category of chore, imagine thinking of it as:
Meditation
Creating beauty
Taking care of yourself
Affirming your self worth
How would this work?
Meditation: Each of the steps I take to clean my home have their own rhythm. Sweeping or vacuuming has a special movement and momentum. I use my body and feel my own gracefulness as I make my home clean. If I let myself float into the rhythm, I can lose myself in time. Repetitive motions can easily take me into trance states. I can allow my own internal music to play or add the dimension of external sound. Breathing deeply intensifies my experience.
Affirmation: As I clean, I can add the affirming words that I deserve to live in a sparkling, beautiful and uncluttered space.
Creating beauty: As my hands touch the things I clean and my eyes see them, I can enjoy and rediscover my possessions. As I shine these things or dust or wash them, I remember the stories connected with each object.
Taking care of myself: As I create beauty in my living space, I tell myself how lucky I am to have this home and these objects. I rejoice in my ability to use my energy to care for them. I use these moments to remind myself of my good fortune.
Every time I see clutter and throw things away or organize them better, I take pleasure in my ability to use my mind to organize space, problem solve and visualize physical space as if it were a giant puzzle that I can put together. I remind myself that challenging my mind in this way helps me stay mentally flexible.
This same process can be applied to paper-work, home-work, and all the other life supporting activities that we have learned to demonize. Too often we take pleasure only when these undertakings are completed and bemoan the fact that they are not “one-off” deals, but rather part of that never ending list that we are in the habit of complaining about.
If the only enjoyment of an activity is when it’s over, no wonder we moan and groan when it never really leaves the list.
Instead, if you allow yourself to explore the pleasurable sensations of body and mind that can accompany these on going life activities, if you can allow yourself to be creative in making them feel good as you do them, you are sure to experience a positive shift in your daily life.
If the things that we ‘have to do’ become the things that we enjoy doing, life gets way easier and way more fun!
Give it a try and please share your ideas and experiences with us.
TALK THE TALK NUMBER SEVEN - THE VOICE OF THE BULLY
The other day Aaron ran for the train. He knew it was a bad idea - he was still recovering from a muscle tear – but he ran anyhow.
So, today he’s doing ice, elevation and pain and enduring the company of his long time, loud mouthed buddy – Mr. Internal Bully. This voice just won’t quit.
“Look what you did,” it screeches.
“That was so stupid!”
“It’s your fault that you’re in pain.”
“You really messed up this time. You’ve probably done permanent damage…”
The sound track never ends – dark, gloomy, and mean. You have to ask yourself which is worse – the physical pain or the emotional despair created by that whip cracking, mean spirited, unforgiving internal voice.
Sound familiar? We all seem to have a version of the Internal Bully that dogs our footsteps, always ready to jump in and point out our mistakes. This voice pops up at pretty specific times – whenever we are most vulnerable. Hurt yourself? The Bully is there to tell you it’s all your fault. Get sick? The Bully has a ready scolding for that too. You probably did something wrong. Run into a problem at work? With a friend or family member? Check it out. It’s pretty much guaranteed that regardless of the situation, the worst feeling comes from the way you fault and blame yourself.
Take a minute and think about the last time something challenging happened to you. Maybe you caught cold or even got the flu? Maybe you were late to work or put off getting something done. Did you procrastinate? Skip the scheduled visit to the gym? Forget to call your mother?
Most of the time we seem to handle these minor infringements by triggering our internal Bully voice. It scolds and demeans and threatens. How many times has that voice called you stupid or lazy? Interestingly, just when we need comfort and support, we get scolding and negativity. Like many other things we do on auto-pilot it behooves us to step back and investigate this behavior.
Our search might take us through several questions:
1) What is the purpose of this seemingly default position?
2) Is it effective?
3) Is it a “natural” response or did we get “programmed” to respond this way?
First, let’s look at the concept of internal dialogue. We all seem to talk to ourselves. Sometimes our self talk is almost a whisper – a mere thought fragment flitting by. Other times the conversations are vivid. They can seem almost as clear as if we were actually talking to another person.
We use our internal voices to observe and take note of what’s happening around us. They attempt to analyze and make sense of our world and its impact on us. In this way these sotto voce comments and conversations are helpful and often protective. They aid us in making sense of our experience.
We seem to learn this skill as children – maybe somewhat instinctively – but certainly by internalizing the actual voices of our parents and teachers. We swallow down their directives and advice and turn them into an internal coaching manual.
Some of this is obviously helpful. The problems begin when we are given mandates that come with a surge of anger. A parent who yells, “I can’t believe you did something that stupid!” is programming that harsh tone into the child’s data bank to be accessed with great frequency in the years to come.
Besides increasing our suffering in already difficult times, this Bully voice sets off a chain reaction that is seriously counterproductive. Think back to when you were yelled at as a kid. What happened? Usually the scolding created blow-back. Maybe you turned that anger on someone else. Or maybe you felt so bad that you became even worse at what you did “wrong” sure that you were totally useless. The third probable reaction was rebellion against whatever you were supposed to do. These three possible reactions: becoming a Bully yourself, becoming a Victim or taking on the mantle of Rebel, acted out in our external reality, also become a part of our inner landscape.
When we scold ourselves not only do we make ourselves feel worse, but we also make the situation worse. Let’s go back to Aaron’s story. The negative progression went something like this:
1) He fell and was injured.
2) His Bully voice started in on him.
3) His anger kept him from being as gentle as the injury required.
4) Instead of getting off his foot, he rebelled and pushed himself to continue with his normal routine.
5) The injury worsened and he felt seriously stupid – a major “Victim” moment.
6) Finally, pain relieving endorphins were probably limited and obviously healing was slower.
How do you think this script could be re-written?
What if his response to the initial accident was to trigger a kind, nurturing, comforting internal voice? Maybe it would have said something like:
“Hey, stuff happens. It could have been worse. Let’s get off that foot ASAP. It’ll heal. Maybe ice cream is called for…”
In this second scenario how do you imagine the healing would be affected?
As we continue to learn about the mind/body connection we increasingly discover the toxicity of the internalized Bully.
Why continue this harmful behavior? Often, when questioned, people say that they believe this whip wielding protects them. The justifications range from:
“Well, it’s a way to remind myself to be more careful in the future.” (It seems to actually reinforce the negative behavior instead of preventing it.)
“Scolding myself is pre-emptive. It guards me from attacks by others.” (Again false: It actually makes us more vulnerable to external attacks.)
How can you change this destructive pattern?
Awareness is the first step. Start tuning into your Bully voice. Next time you are in a difficult situation ask yourself if you are increasing your discomfort with self-criticism.
Now get creative. If you are a visual person, make an image of your Bully. It can be a total mind print or an actual two dimensional drawing. Make it as simple or as complex as you like. (Some people hang these images where they can use them as a daily reminder.) It helps to add dialogue or tag lines to the image. If you’re more auditory, work with the Bully’s voice. Exaggerate it. Try adding theme music that might play every time that your Bully takes center stage.
The idea is to sensitize yourself to the presence of your Bully so that you can counter its negative impact.
Once you’ve got a good representation to work with, the next step is to consciously engage your Bully in an imaginary dialogue.
There are many different ways to create these imaginary dialogs. An easy technique is to use your hands, allowing one hand to represent the Bully voice and the other hand to be the part of you that’s being berated. For those of you with lots of energy, you can set out two chairs and actually move back and forth, allowing the Bully to sit in one chair and the other part of you to sit in chair number two. Remember, your goal is to bring this underground conversation into the light of day. Usually, we experience the results of the Bully’s attack – our reactions are relatively out in the open. It’s the attack itself that tends to be obscured.
A conversation might go something like this:
Bully: “Listen, you do so many dumb things that without me you’d be seriously lost.”
You: “Oh, please. All you do is make me feel bad. Nobody likes to have their face rubbed in it!”
B: Yeah, but imagine how much worse you would be if I didn’t stay after you. I mean, you always take the easy way out.”
Y: “And what’s wrong with that!!”
The idea is first to make the conflict obvious and then see about “conflict resolution”.
Having internal conflict is paralyzing and draining. The objective is to create balance and perhaps a new Ally voice. Our minds are incredibly powerful tools for change. These dialogs allow us to transform the energy invested in this harmful aspect of ourselves into something constructive and truly beneficial.
So, today he’s doing ice, elevation and pain and enduring the company of his long time, loud mouthed buddy – Mr. Internal Bully. This voice just won’t quit.
“Look what you did,” it screeches.
“That was so stupid!”
“It’s your fault that you’re in pain.”
“You really messed up this time. You’ve probably done permanent damage…”
The sound track never ends – dark, gloomy, and mean. You have to ask yourself which is worse – the physical pain or the emotional despair created by that whip cracking, mean spirited, unforgiving internal voice.
Sound familiar? We all seem to have a version of the Internal Bully that dogs our footsteps, always ready to jump in and point out our mistakes. This voice pops up at pretty specific times – whenever we are most vulnerable. Hurt yourself? The Bully is there to tell you it’s all your fault. Get sick? The Bully has a ready scolding for that too. You probably did something wrong. Run into a problem at work? With a friend or family member? Check it out. It’s pretty much guaranteed that regardless of the situation, the worst feeling comes from the way you fault and blame yourself.
Take a minute and think about the last time something challenging happened to you. Maybe you caught cold or even got the flu? Maybe you were late to work or put off getting something done. Did you procrastinate? Skip the scheduled visit to the gym? Forget to call your mother?
Most of the time we seem to handle these minor infringements by triggering our internal Bully voice. It scolds and demeans and threatens. How many times has that voice called you stupid or lazy? Interestingly, just when we need comfort and support, we get scolding and negativity. Like many other things we do on auto-pilot it behooves us to step back and investigate this behavior.
Our search might take us through several questions:
1) What is the purpose of this seemingly default position?
2) Is it effective?
3) Is it a “natural” response or did we get “programmed” to respond this way?
First, let’s look at the concept of internal dialogue. We all seem to talk to ourselves. Sometimes our self talk is almost a whisper – a mere thought fragment flitting by. Other times the conversations are vivid. They can seem almost as clear as if we were actually talking to another person.
We use our internal voices to observe and take note of what’s happening around us. They attempt to analyze and make sense of our world and its impact on us. In this way these sotto voce comments and conversations are helpful and often protective. They aid us in making sense of our experience.
We seem to learn this skill as children – maybe somewhat instinctively – but certainly by internalizing the actual voices of our parents and teachers. We swallow down their directives and advice and turn them into an internal coaching manual.
Some of this is obviously helpful. The problems begin when we are given mandates that come with a surge of anger. A parent who yells, “I can’t believe you did something that stupid!” is programming that harsh tone into the child’s data bank to be accessed with great frequency in the years to come.
Besides increasing our suffering in already difficult times, this Bully voice sets off a chain reaction that is seriously counterproductive. Think back to when you were yelled at as a kid. What happened? Usually the scolding created blow-back. Maybe you turned that anger on someone else. Or maybe you felt so bad that you became even worse at what you did “wrong” sure that you were totally useless. The third probable reaction was rebellion against whatever you were supposed to do. These three possible reactions: becoming a Bully yourself, becoming a Victim or taking on the mantle of Rebel, acted out in our external reality, also become a part of our inner landscape.
When we scold ourselves not only do we make ourselves feel worse, but we also make the situation worse. Let’s go back to Aaron’s story. The negative progression went something like this:
1) He fell and was injured.
2) His Bully voice started in on him.
3) His anger kept him from being as gentle as the injury required.
4) Instead of getting off his foot, he rebelled and pushed himself to continue with his normal routine.
5) The injury worsened and he felt seriously stupid – a major “Victim” moment.
6) Finally, pain relieving endorphins were probably limited and obviously healing was slower.
How do you think this script could be re-written?
What if his response to the initial accident was to trigger a kind, nurturing, comforting internal voice? Maybe it would have said something like:
“Hey, stuff happens. It could have been worse. Let’s get off that foot ASAP. It’ll heal. Maybe ice cream is called for…”
In this second scenario how do you imagine the healing would be affected?
As we continue to learn about the mind/body connection we increasingly discover the toxicity of the internalized Bully.
Why continue this harmful behavior? Often, when questioned, people say that they believe this whip wielding protects them. The justifications range from:
“Well, it’s a way to remind myself to be more careful in the future.” (It seems to actually reinforce the negative behavior instead of preventing it.)
“Scolding myself is pre-emptive. It guards me from attacks by others.” (Again false: It actually makes us more vulnerable to external attacks.)
How can you change this destructive pattern?
Awareness is the first step. Start tuning into your Bully voice. Next time you are in a difficult situation ask yourself if you are increasing your discomfort with self-criticism.
Now get creative. If you are a visual person, make an image of your Bully. It can be a total mind print or an actual two dimensional drawing. Make it as simple or as complex as you like. (Some people hang these images where they can use them as a daily reminder.) It helps to add dialogue or tag lines to the image. If you’re more auditory, work with the Bully’s voice. Exaggerate it. Try adding theme music that might play every time that your Bully takes center stage.
The idea is to sensitize yourself to the presence of your Bully so that you can counter its negative impact.
Once you’ve got a good representation to work with, the next step is to consciously engage your Bully in an imaginary dialogue.
There are many different ways to create these imaginary dialogs. An easy technique is to use your hands, allowing one hand to represent the Bully voice and the other hand to be the part of you that’s being berated. For those of you with lots of energy, you can set out two chairs and actually move back and forth, allowing the Bully to sit in one chair and the other part of you to sit in chair number two. Remember, your goal is to bring this underground conversation into the light of day. Usually, we experience the results of the Bully’s attack – our reactions are relatively out in the open. It’s the attack itself that tends to be obscured.
A conversation might go something like this:
Bully: “Listen, you do so many dumb things that without me you’d be seriously lost.”
You: “Oh, please. All you do is make me feel bad. Nobody likes to have their face rubbed in it!”
B: Yeah, but imagine how much worse you would be if I didn’t stay after you. I mean, you always take the easy way out.”
Y: “And what’s wrong with that!!”
The idea is first to make the conflict obvious and then see about “conflict resolution”.
Having internal conflict is paralyzing and draining. The objective is to create balance and perhaps a new Ally voice. Our minds are incredibly powerful tools for change. These dialogs allow us to transform the energy invested in this harmful aspect of ourselves into something constructive and truly beneficial.
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