TALK THE TALK

TALK THREE 4/12/09 FEARS AND PHOBIAS


A basic way of looking at the difference between fears and phobias is that fears are based on reality and are often self-protective and useful; phobias on the other hand, are fears that have run away with themselves and become self-limiting and destructive.

Let’s take an interesting example. Let’s say that I am frightened of speaking before an audience. This “normal” fear will create an adrenaline surge throughout my body. I will experience stage fright. Most actors will tell you that without stage fright performances are often dull and uninspired. That surge of adrenaline helps us focus and perform at our peak. On the other hand, when this fear moves into the stage of phobia, I become paralyzed and incapable of performing. Obviously the former is productive and the latter is counter-productive.

Let’s take another example. Let’s say I am afraid of heights. A healthy fear will limit my exposure to dangerous risks like standing too near the edge of a cliff. That same fear moving into the realm of phobia might make living in an apartment building in New York City highly (opps!) problematic.

We can see that fear itself has a practical aspect. It can prepare us for a challenging task and also help protect us from danger. My father, who was a navigator during World War II, would often comfort us children when we were frightened by reminding us that there was nothing wrong with being afraid. He told us that the most dangerous pilots during the war were the ones who did not experience fear. They were the ones most likely to use poor judgment and crash!

Think about some of your own useful fears. These are the ones we don’t want to get rid of but rather listen to. You might want to make a list of these fears and think about the ways they have actually helped you.

To determine whether your fear is a phobia, ask yourself if it gets in your way.

What’s an example of a phobia you have? How does it get in your way? Is it still protective? Could you protect yourself in a healthier way?

Here’s an example of a fear turned into phobia and one alternative way to deal with the fear:
A person who has had very painful experiences with dentists might develop a phobia about dental visits. This can become self-destructive if the person stops going to the dentist. To counter the phobia this person could first acknowledge the fear and understand why it is there. They can then problem solve and create an alternative way of dealing with their fear. For instance, they could find a dentist who is a specialist in dealing with people who have dental phobias.

Another fear that can become problematic when it turns into a phobia is flying. Since we don’t come with our own set of wings, flight is a foreign experience to humans and some degree of caution is natural. This can work to our benefit in choosing a reputable airline. However, it becomes a phobia if it is so severe that it keeps us from conducting business or visiting out-of-town family.

Here are some techniques to help you stay on the positive side of fear:

1) First ask yourself if your fear gets in your way.

2) Use humor to release the tension connected with phobias.

In a group therapy session a woman was going on and on about her terrible fear that in the middle of the night a snake would crawl out from under her bed, slither onto the bed and bite her foot. She had to make sure that the sheets were tucked in just right to prevent the snake attack. This elaborate nighttime ritual was slowly driving her husband nuts. She had been suffering with this fear for as long as she could remember. In a very gentle and wry tone of voice the therapist asked: “So, when was the last time you saw a snake under your bed…?” The woman’s eyes opened wide, she took a deep breath and grinned. At the next group meeting she reported that the snakes were gone. What do you think made the snakes “go away”?

3) Rename what you are afraid of.

A beautiful illustration of this comes from the movie Monsters, Inc. . A little girl, when confronted with those childhood monsters that have a tendency to lurk under beds, transformed the situation. She took one look at the monster, her face lit up and she exclaimed, “Kitty”.

4) Create a mental image of your fear with a capital “F”. What does fear per se look like to you? What is the sound of its “voice”? Imagine a dialogue that you could have with this entity called FEAR. It might go something like this:

You: “You are my fear and you get in my way.”

Fear answers: “Hey dummy, I am only trying to help you.”

You: Actually, you’re not helping!”

Maybe, as you continue the dialogue, you can negotiate a deal with fear and make it a true ally.


5) Using your imagination, become whatever you are afraid of. For example, if you are frightened of flying, you might imagine yourself as an airplane. In your mind describe yourself as this thing. You might say:

“I’m a big, sturdy airplane. I am very powerful and I can fly!”

Taking on the personality of the scary thing defuses its power over you and instead integrates the power into your own ‘force field’. Rather than seeing it as something outside and “other” coming at you, you become empowered and gain control of your feelings.

6) Make a drawing about whatever scares you. This can be on paper or a mental image. Try making it very tiny and then very big. How does that change things? Play with the colors. Make it as realistic as possible first and then change it to totally unrealistic colors. What happens?

Now make this image very small and imagine stomping on it and turning it to dust. Again, what do you feel? What else can you do to this image? Manipulating the mental image of your fear helps you “master” it.

7) Another direction you can take with fear is self -hypnosis. This is actually rather easy to do if you take the following steps:

First find a safe and quiet place. (This is one of those do not do while driving or operating heavy machinery things…)
Get into a comfortable position
Loosen any tight clothing
Begin breathing deeply
Experience the flow of air through your body
As you breathe allow your muscles to relax
Imagine yourself in a very safe and beautiful place
You are now totally relaxed and peaceful

At this point you can give yourself a pre-planned directive. For instance, if you fear public speaking and have to give a talk you might say:

“Speaking in front of an audience is enjoyable.”
“I enjoy sharing ideas with my audience.”
“My audience responds with pleasure and enthusiasm.”

Now imagine your audience applauding you and smiling.

Continue to breathe deeply, telling yourself that when you come back into the present moment you are relaxed and remember how much you enjoy giving your speech.
Gently open your eyes and come back into the room

If you would like to, you can give your “script” to a friend and ask them to read it to you. You could also record it and then play it back as you relax. If music helps you relax you can also add soothing background music.
Try using this simple technique and share your experience with us.

Another self hypnosis technique is one often used by athletes. After they bring themselves to a relaxed state using similar techniques to the ones we just described, they visualize their performance, imagining themselves proceeding with great precision and success. This is simple and very effective. Can you think of something you could use this technique for? Let us know what happens.

The goal of working with fear is to first acknowledge whatever value might be in the fear and then decide how much of the content message we want to keep as protection. Once we make this decision we are able to release the excess invested emotional energy.

You know how it feels when you are carrying a heavy weight – maybe a big box of books or a grocery bag that is over packed? It’s a relief when you finally put it down. You actually feel lighter and can take a deep breath. Now, imagine how good it feels to let go of the heavy burden of unnecessary fear!

LET US KNOW SOME OF YOUR FEARS AND YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH RELEASING THEM.