This blog is designed to give you glimpses into the themes that come up during that magical 45 minute dialogue that takes place in the sanctity of the therapy room. Please join in with your own thoughts and questions.
Why do I use the word dialogue? Do I mean that therapists should talk about their own problems? Of course not. However, if all you need to do is have a monologue, you could sit in front of a mirror and save the cost!
The ability to dialogue is one of the things that makes us human. It allows us to learn and share – to create and recreate our understanding of the world and ourselves. It is an expansive experience rather than a constrictive one.
In the process of therapy dialogue we learn the cadence and rhythm of interaction – the balance of listening and talking. As we practice these interactions in therapy, we experience our interpersonal skills improving in our daily lives.
As children our world is one of needy “narcissism”. Our hunger for attention – our need to be the center – is part of the process of growing up. Ideally, that need is met and we progress into our adult lives with the ability to share the spotlight gracefully.
In reality, most of us grow up either deprived of attention or over attended and left with a distorted sense of giving and receiving. We suffer from this distortion – continuing to be needy and hungry for healthy, balanced love and attention.
Think about your own growing up. Were you given the degree and type of attention you needed?
What do you think about your own ability to interact in a productive give-and-take with the people in your life?
Please share your own thoughts about this topic.
About Me
- C.Shapiro M.A. C.H.T.
- In private practice since 1973. Trained at the Gestalt Therapy Institute of Washington, DC. Educational background in Cultural Anthropology, Art and Education. I grew up as a Military Brat living in Spain, Japan and the US. I created a Bereavement program for NCJW which I ran for 10 years. I work with individuals, couples and groups.
good, juicy stuff to look at.
ReplyDeleteI know I was not given the attention I needed and grew up with narcissistic needy people all around me. I am attracted to to that because I know it so well, and needy in my own ways.
I don't know how to give and receive in healthy ways...although I use those 45 minutes to try and figure it out!
This is really fascinating, because I do often see people are uncomfortable with that give-and-take that I take for granted in human interactions and conversations. I've noticed that many people are upset and even disoriented if they can't completely finish whatever thought they have without someone else bringing in another idea that may be related, or in opposition. Seems almost more like a lecture than a conversation. Things can get very lively, and maybe hectic, when you all bounce ideas around, but so much more fun!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the great comments. Your opinions and feelings about these issues add depth to this blog making it richer, more productive and useful!
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts about your comments: Following up on what Cat said, it’s interesting to observe how we gravitate towards people who have the same “defects” as we experienced in the significant others in our childhoods. What’s your experience with this?
Nursenancy focuses on a really fascinating aspect of dialogue vrs. monologue when she highlights the way some people get angry or even disoriented when their monologue is interrupted. Have you noticed this? Now that it’s been brought up it might be fun to pay attention to this phenomenon and see what you observe. How do you react when people do this?
I always marvel at the beauty of the interactions and timing between musicians as they play together - each statement and response so well measured even when they’re improvising. I recently read about a doctor (see Final Chorus in Jazz Times) who is trying to train physicians to listen to their patients more productively and respectfully by having the doctors listen to jazz groups play and interact.
Yes, I hear what you're saying, nursenancy, about people who get "upset and even disoriented if... someone else bringing in another idea that may be related." It's true! As if they don't realize that someone is listening to them. To expand on the point, it's as if they don't realize that their words have an effect on other people. This is a conversation! Let's play! Yet, while I want to say, "I'm listening! I get it!" I often find myself facing the terrible choice of whether I let out the part that follows, "and furthermore..." which will upset and/or disorient them, or or whether I let it die in my throat...
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