About Me
- C.Shapiro M.A. C.H.T.
- In private practice since 1973. Trained at the Gestalt Therapy Institute of Washington, DC. Educational background in Cultural Anthropology, Art and Education. I grew up as a Military Brat living in Spain, Japan and the US. I created a Bereavement program for NCJW which I ran for 10 years. I work with individuals, couples and groups.
TALK NUMBER 8 - A SHORT RIFF ON BULLY COUNTER-BALANCE
“That kid is so lazy. She doesn’t like to do her… Chores! Paperwork! Housework!”
From very early on we are conditioned to look at these activities in a negative way. Who would want to do chores or homework? Yikes!
The conditioning to dislike the necessary maintenance of life – the structural activities that actually create a certain kind of ease and balance- starts at a very early age. We get yelled at to do these things, called lazy if we don’t, and build a backlog of resistance. These are the activities that we put off, procrastinate, moan and groan about.
Once upon a time in Japan a housemaid was ironing shirts. The young daughter of the house was confused. “Why are you smiling?” she asked. “When my mom irons shirts she wrinkles her brow and scrunches up her face.”
The housemaid smiled at the little girl and answered, “Everything I do is a meditation. Ironing shirts and making them lovely is just as important as anything else I do.”
True story and even though she was only ten years old, the kid got the message. If we look at everything we do in the right way it can be special and lovely and help us create harmony, beauty and balance in our lives.
Take cleaning the house. It can be a ‘wrinkle-your-brow’ chore or it can become a challenging, balancing act.
I can imagine you raising your eyebrows right now, rolling your eyes and saying, “Yeah, right…”
But imagine re-framing housecleaning. Instead of putting it into a high-groan category of chore, imagine thinking of it as:
Meditation
Creating beauty
Taking care of yourself
Affirming your self worth
How would this work?
Meditation: Each of the steps I take to clean my home have their own rhythm. Sweeping or vacuuming has a special movement and momentum. I use my body and feel my own gracefulness as I make my home clean. If I let myself float into the rhythm, I can lose myself in time. Repetitive motions can easily take me into trance states. I can allow my own internal music to play or add the dimension of external sound. Breathing deeply intensifies my experience.
Affirmation: As I clean, I can add the affirming words that I deserve to live in a sparkling, beautiful and uncluttered space.
Creating beauty: As my hands touch the things I clean and my eyes see them, I can enjoy and rediscover my possessions. As I shine these things or dust or wash them, I remember the stories connected with each object.
Taking care of myself: As I create beauty in my living space, I tell myself how lucky I am to have this home and these objects. I rejoice in my ability to use my energy to care for them. I use these moments to remind myself of my good fortune.
Every time I see clutter and throw things away or organize them better, I take pleasure in my ability to use my mind to organize space, problem solve and visualize physical space as if it were a giant puzzle that I can put together. I remind myself that challenging my mind in this way helps me stay mentally flexible.
This same process can be applied to paper-work, home-work, and all the other life supporting activities that we have learned to demonize. Too often we take pleasure only when these undertakings are completed and bemoan the fact that they are not “one-off” deals, but rather part of that never ending list that we are in the habit of complaining about.
If the only enjoyment of an activity is when it’s over, no wonder we moan and groan when it never really leaves the list.
Instead, if you allow yourself to explore the pleasurable sensations of body and mind that can accompany these on going life activities, if you can allow yourself to be creative in making them feel good as you do them, you are sure to experience a positive shift in your daily life.
If the things that we ‘have to do’ become the things that we enjoy doing, life gets way easier and way more fun!
Give it a try and please share your ideas and experiences with us.
TALK THE TALK NUMBER SEVEN - THE VOICE OF THE BULLY
The other day Aaron ran for the train. He knew it was a bad idea - he was still recovering from a muscle tear – but he ran anyhow.
So, today he’s doing ice, elevation and pain and enduring the company of his long time, loud mouthed buddy – Mr. Internal Bully. This voice just won’t quit.
“Look what you did,” it screeches.
“That was so stupid!”
“It’s your fault that you’re in pain.”
“You really messed up this time. You’ve probably done permanent damage…”
The sound track never ends – dark, gloomy, and mean. You have to ask yourself which is worse – the physical pain or the emotional despair created by that whip cracking, mean spirited, unforgiving internal voice.
Sound familiar? We all seem to have a version of the Internal Bully that dogs our footsteps, always ready to jump in and point out our mistakes. This voice pops up at pretty specific times – whenever we are most vulnerable. Hurt yourself? The Bully is there to tell you it’s all your fault. Get sick? The Bully has a ready scolding for that too. You probably did something wrong. Run into a problem at work? With a friend or family member? Check it out. It’s pretty much guaranteed that regardless of the situation, the worst feeling comes from the way you fault and blame yourself.
Take a minute and think about the last time something challenging happened to you. Maybe you caught cold or even got the flu? Maybe you were late to work or put off getting something done. Did you procrastinate? Skip the scheduled visit to the gym? Forget to call your mother?
Most of the time we seem to handle these minor infringements by triggering our internal Bully voice. It scolds and demeans and threatens. How many times has that voice called you stupid or lazy? Interestingly, just when we need comfort and support, we get scolding and negativity. Like many other things we do on auto-pilot it behooves us to step back and investigate this behavior.
Our search might take us through several questions:
1) What is the purpose of this seemingly default position?
2) Is it effective?
3) Is it a “natural” response or did we get “programmed” to respond this way?
First, let’s look at the concept of internal dialogue. We all seem to talk to ourselves. Sometimes our self talk is almost a whisper – a mere thought fragment flitting by. Other times the conversations are vivid. They can seem almost as clear as if we were actually talking to another person.
We use our internal voices to observe and take note of what’s happening around us. They attempt to analyze and make sense of our world and its impact on us. In this way these sotto voce comments and conversations are helpful and often protective. They aid us in making sense of our experience.
We seem to learn this skill as children – maybe somewhat instinctively – but certainly by internalizing the actual voices of our parents and teachers. We swallow down their directives and advice and turn them into an internal coaching manual.
Some of this is obviously helpful. The problems begin when we are given mandates that come with a surge of anger. A parent who yells, “I can’t believe you did something that stupid!” is programming that harsh tone into the child’s data bank to be accessed with great frequency in the years to come.
Besides increasing our suffering in already difficult times, this Bully voice sets off a chain reaction that is seriously counterproductive. Think back to when you were yelled at as a kid. What happened? Usually the scolding created blow-back. Maybe you turned that anger on someone else. Or maybe you felt so bad that you became even worse at what you did “wrong” sure that you were totally useless. The third probable reaction was rebellion against whatever you were supposed to do. These three possible reactions: becoming a Bully yourself, becoming a Victim or taking on the mantle of Rebel, acted out in our external reality, also become a part of our inner landscape.
When we scold ourselves not only do we make ourselves feel worse, but we also make the situation worse. Let’s go back to Aaron’s story. The negative progression went something like this:
1) He fell and was injured.
2) His Bully voice started in on him.
3) His anger kept him from being as gentle as the injury required.
4) Instead of getting off his foot, he rebelled and pushed himself to continue with his normal routine.
5) The injury worsened and he felt seriously stupid – a major “Victim” moment.
6) Finally, pain relieving endorphins were probably limited and obviously healing was slower.
How do you think this script could be re-written?
What if his response to the initial accident was to trigger a kind, nurturing, comforting internal voice? Maybe it would have said something like:
“Hey, stuff happens. It could have been worse. Let’s get off that foot ASAP. It’ll heal. Maybe ice cream is called for…”
In this second scenario how do you imagine the healing would be affected?
As we continue to learn about the mind/body connection we increasingly discover the toxicity of the internalized Bully.
Why continue this harmful behavior? Often, when questioned, people say that they believe this whip wielding protects them. The justifications range from:
“Well, it’s a way to remind myself to be more careful in the future.” (It seems to actually reinforce the negative behavior instead of preventing it.)
“Scolding myself is pre-emptive. It guards me from attacks by others.” (Again false: It actually makes us more vulnerable to external attacks.)
How can you change this destructive pattern?
Awareness is the first step. Start tuning into your Bully voice. Next time you are in a difficult situation ask yourself if you are increasing your discomfort with self-criticism.
Now get creative. If you are a visual person, make an image of your Bully. It can be a total mind print or an actual two dimensional drawing. Make it as simple or as complex as you like. (Some people hang these images where they can use them as a daily reminder.) It helps to add dialogue or tag lines to the image. If you’re more auditory, work with the Bully’s voice. Exaggerate it. Try adding theme music that might play every time that your Bully takes center stage.
The idea is to sensitize yourself to the presence of your Bully so that you can counter its negative impact.
Once you’ve got a good representation to work with, the next step is to consciously engage your Bully in an imaginary dialogue.
There are many different ways to create these imaginary dialogs. An easy technique is to use your hands, allowing one hand to represent the Bully voice and the other hand to be the part of you that’s being berated. For those of you with lots of energy, you can set out two chairs and actually move back and forth, allowing the Bully to sit in one chair and the other part of you to sit in chair number two. Remember, your goal is to bring this underground conversation into the light of day. Usually, we experience the results of the Bully’s attack – our reactions are relatively out in the open. It’s the attack itself that tends to be obscured.
A conversation might go something like this:
Bully: “Listen, you do so many dumb things that without me you’d be seriously lost.”
You: “Oh, please. All you do is make me feel bad. Nobody likes to have their face rubbed in it!”
B: Yeah, but imagine how much worse you would be if I didn’t stay after you. I mean, you always take the easy way out.”
Y: “And what’s wrong with that!!”
The idea is first to make the conflict obvious and then see about “conflict resolution”.
Having internal conflict is paralyzing and draining. The objective is to create balance and perhaps a new Ally voice. Our minds are incredibly powerful tools for change. These dialogs allow us to transform the energy invested in this harmful aspect of ourselves into something constructive and truly beneficial.
So, today he’s doing ice, elevation and pain and enduring the company of his long time, loud mouthed buddy – Mr. Internal Bully. This voice just won’t quit.
“Look what you did,” it screeches.
“That was so stupid!”
“It’s your fault that you’re in pain.”
“You really messed up this time. You’ve probably done permanent damage…”
The sound track never ends – dark, gloomy, and mean. You have to ask yourself which is worse – the physical pain or the emotional despair created by that whip cracking, mean spirited, unforgiving internal voice.
Sound familiar? We all seem to have a version of the Internal Bully that dogs our footsteps, always ready to jump in and point out our mistakes. This voice pops up at pretty specific times – whenever we are most vulnerable. Hurt yourself? The Bully is there to tell you it’s all your fault. Get sick? The Bully has a ready scolding for that too. You probably did something wrong. Run into a problem at work? With a friend or family member? Check it out. It’s pretty much guaranteed that regardless of the situation, the worst feeling comes from the way you fault and blame yourself.
Take a minute and think about the last time something challenging happened to you. Maybe you caught cold or even got the flu? Maybe you were late to work or put off getting something done. Did you procrastinate? Skip the scheduled visit to the gym? Forget to call your mother?
Most of the time we seem to handle these minor infringements by triggering our internal Bully voice. It scolds and demeans and threatens. How many times has that voice called you stupid or lazy? Interestingly, just when we need comfort and support, we get scolding and negativity. Like many other things we do on auto-pilot it behooves us to step back and investigate this behavior.
Our search might take us through several questions:
1) What is the purpose of this seemingly default position?
2) Is it effective?
3) Is it a “natural” response or did we get “programmed” to respond this way?
First, let’s look at the concept of internal dialogue. We all seem to talk to ourselves. Sometimes our self talk is almost a whisper – a mere thought fragment flitting by. Other times the conversations are vivid. They can seem almost as clear as if we were actually talking to another person.
We use our internal voices to observe and take note of what’s happening around us. They attempt to analyze and make sense of our world and its impact on us. In this way these sotto voce comments and conversations are helpful and often protective. They aid us in making sense of our experience.
We seem to learn this skill as children – maybe somewhat instinctively – but certainly by internalizing the actual voices of our parents and teachers. We swallow down their directives and advice and turn them into an internal coaching manual.
Some of this is obviously helpful. The problems begin when we are given mandates that come with a surge of anger. A parent who yells, “I can’t believe you did something that stupid!” is programming that harsh tone into the child’s data bank to be accessed with great frequency in the years to come.
Besides increasing our suffering in already difficult times, this Bully voice sets off a chain reaction that is seriously counterproductive. Think back to when you were yelled at as a kid. What happened? Usually the scolding created blow-back. Maybe you turned that anger on someone else. Or maybe you felt so bad that you became even worse at what you did “wrong” sure that you were totally useless. The third probable reaction was rebellion against whatever you were supposed to do. These three possible reactions: becoming a Bully yourself, becoming a Victim or taking on the mantle of Rebel, acted out in our external reality, also become a part of our inner landscape.
When we scold ourselves not only do we make ourselves feel worse, but we also make the situation worse. Let’s go back to Aaron’s story. The negative progression went something like this:
1) He fell and was injured.
2) His Bully voice started in on him.
3) His anger kept him from being as gentle as the injury required.
4) Instead of getting off his foot, he rebelled and pushed himself to continue with his normal routine.
5) The injury worsened and he felt seriously stupid – a major “Victim” moment.
6) Finally, pain relieving endorphins were probably limited and obviously healing was slower.
How do you think this script could be re-written?
What if his response to the initial accident was to trigger a kind, nurturing, comforting internal voice? Maybe it would have said something like:
“Hey, stuff happens. It could have been worse. Let’s get off that foot ASAP. It’ll heal. Maybe ice cream is called for…”
In this second scenario how do you imagine the healing would be affected?
As we continue to learn about the mind/body connection we increasingly discover the toxicity of the internalized Bully.
Why continue this harmful behavior? Often, when questioned, people say that they believe this whip wielding protects them. The justifications range from:
“Well, it’s a way to remind myself to be more careful in the future.” (It seems to actually reinforce the negative behavior instead of preventing it.)
“Scolding myself is pre-emptive. It guards me from attacks by others.” (Again false: It actually makes us more vulnerable to external attacks.)
How can you change this destructive pattern?
Awareness is the first step. Start tuning into your Bully voice. Next time you are in a difficult situation ask yourself if you are increasing your discomfort with self-criticism.
Now get creative. If you are a visual person, make an image of your Bully. It can be a total mind print or an actual two dimensional drawing. Make it as simple or as complex as you like. (Some people hang these images where they can use them as a daily reminder.) It helps to add dialogue or tag lines to the image. If you’re more auditory, work with the Bully’s voice. Exaggerate it. Try adding theme music that might play every time that your Bully takes center stage.
The idea is to sensitize yourself to the presence of your Bully so that you can counter its negative impact.
Once you’ve got a good representation to work with, the next step is to consciously engage your Bully in an imaginary dialogue.
There are many different ways to create these imaginary dialogs. An easy technique is to use your hands, allowing one hand to represent the Bully voice and the other hand to be the part of you that’s being berated. For those of you with lots of energy, you can set out two chairs and actually move back and forth, allowing the Bully to sit in one chair and the other part of you to sit in chair number two. Remember, your goal is to bring this underground conversation into the light of day. Usually, we experience the results of the Bully’s attack – our reactions are relatively out in the open. It’s the attack itself that tends to be obscured.
A conversation might go something like this:
Bully: “Listen, you do so many dumb things that without me you’d be seriously lost.”
You: “Oh, please. All you do is make me feel bad. Nobody likes to have their face rubbed in it!”
B: Yeah, but imagine how much worse you would be if I didn’t stay after you. I mean, you always take the easy way out.”
Y: “And what’s wrong with that!!”
The idea is first to make the conflict obvious and then see about “conflict resolution”.
Having internal conflict is paralyzing and draining. The objective is to create balance and perhaps a new Ally voice. Our minds are incredibly powerful tools for change. These dialogs allow us to transform the energy invested in this harmful aspect of ourselves into something constructive and truly beneficial.
ANGER 101 05/08/09
Today we are going to focus on anger, guilt and depression and explore ways to understand and work through these emotions instead of getting stuck in them.
Anger is an emotion that has a broad range of expression. It covers the spectrum from extreme rage through annoyance to minor frustration. How many times have you said, “I’m not angry, I’m just annoyed or frustrated or impatient?” All of these are actually expressions of anger.
Take a minute to make a list of all the different words you use that might actually fit into this anger spectrum. What do you find when you do this? Does any of this surprise you?
Think of 5 things that you experienced this past week that you would now be able to reclassify as anger. Why do you think doing this might be important?
Identifying and naming a specific emotional response better enables us to get a handle on ways to resolve both the feeling and the situation.
As with any other emotional state, anger is a natural reaction to a given situation. What we are looking for is the healthy, balanced reaction, not a distortion.
- How did you learn your own take on anger?
- What did you “download” throughout your early years?
- Who were your models for expressions of anger?
- Did you approve of their style?
- If your answer is no, an interesting question to ask yourself is why you copied a behavior that might have caused you harm?
- Do you get the results you want using this mode of expressing anger?
- What do you think the effect of your anger is on others?
An interesting paradigm to use in understanding common modes of expressing anger is: Bully-Victim-Rebel. All of these are learned behaviors, and can all be destructive and self-defeating modes of expression. We often have all three of these “voices” in our repertoire, but sometimes find ourselves with one of these as our primary “default” mode of anger.
The “Bully” mode of expressing anger is pretty self explanatory. It’s the loud, explosive, recriminating voice that we have all heard and sometimes even used. This anger style is replete with “shoulds.” The “Bully” rants, vents, dumps and scolds. The “Bully” is sure it is right in it’s assessment of any situation. There is no reasoning or compromising with “Bullies.”
Can you think of a recent time when you played the “Bully” or when someone else did this to you?
The next ineffective voice that we learn as a mode of expressing anger is the “Victim.” “Victims” can often be seen in the slipstream of “Bullies.” They whine. They cajole. They moan and lament their fate. They often perceive themselves as useless and ineffective. Are they really? Think about your last interaction with a “Victim.” “Victims” often win. Of course the cost to themselves is high. They have to suffer, but they also manage to wear others down and get what they want by default. While the “Bully” punishes in your face, the “Victim” gets you through attrition!
Can you think of a recent time when you played the “Victim” or when someone else did this to you?
The final voice in this trilogy is the “Rebel”. Seriously reactionary, the “Rebel” is famous for words like x%#z!!. Because “Rebels” are re-active, they are rarely acting from choice. Rebellious anger tends to be a lot of “sound and fury signifying nothing”. Most of us find it easy to shrug off the content of anger presented in this fashion.
Can you think of a recent time when you played the “Rebel” or when someone else did this to you?
So if these often used ways of showing anger aren’t productive, what is?
Our goal to deal with anger healthily is two-fold:
- to release the emotional tension and
- to be effective in taking care of ourselves.
It is important not to scold yourself by saying “don’t be angry,” but rather to give yourself permission to have the feeling and discover a useful way to work with it.
Here are some ways to release the tension that anger carries with it:
1) Listing resentments. You can write these down or say the resentments out loud or “out loud in your head".
2) Physical exercise, especially if you consciously focus on using it to release anger.
3) Pummel something – a pillow, a speed bag, a mattress. Remember the scene in the movie Analyze This when shrink Billy Crystal instructs bad guy patient DeNiro how to release his anger?)
4) Imaginary dialogues that allow you to say anything you want with no repercussions.
5) Fantasy acts of creative destruction. You could shred paper or an old sheet, or make a drawing of the “enemy” and stab it. The sky’s the limit when it comes to our imagination.
Again, as we noted before with the last “Talk,” some of the ways to know that you have released emotional tension are laughter, yawning, taking a deep sigh and feeling muscle tightness relax.
Once you use one of these strategies to lower the emotional head of steam - use your head - go cognitive with your anger. Now your goal is to get heard and get results. Remember you might need to make changes in the external situation or maybe in your perception and reaction to the situation. Think about what you want and who you are dealing with. Two questions you might want to ask yourself at this point are: What do you need to feel better? What do you get by staying in a situation that makes you angry?
Now, let’s look at guilt and depression. One very useful way to understand these feelings is in relation to anger. We have said that anger is a very strong emotion that needs a means of expression.
What do you think happens to anger if you “sit on it” and tell yourself that it is wrong to feel? Can you think of a time that you felt angry and tried to push it away? What happened?
We can look at guilt and depression as “faulty” expressions of anger. Healthy anger calls for a target. Something has made me angry and I need a focus for that anger, a way to release it. If I don’t find an appropriate way to externalize this strong emotion it still needs someplace to go and the easiest target is ME. When I turn anger back on myself I experience it as guilt.
Here’s an experiment to try: Take a piece of paper and fold it in half. On one side make a list of three things that you feel guilty about. On the other side, take those same three things and try changing them into “I resent” statements. What happens?
How does depression come into this mix? Remember we said that anger is a very strong emotion. Think about the many times in your life that you’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that it’s wrong to be angry.
Try another experiment. Take your hands and put your palms together, with your right hand on the bottom and your left hand on the top. Push your hands against each other, exerting equal pressure. Keep at it for several minutes. What do you experience?
When we use our energy to hold down or fight off our natural feelings, we feel tired and eventually defeated. Emotionally we experience this as a flattening of affect or depression.
Think about some time that you might have felt depressed. Looking back on it from this perspective, what feelings might you have been holding down?
So how does understanding this connection between anger, guilt and depression help? Once you identify and find anger as the primary emotion, go back to the earlier steps that we used in dealing with anger. You can now take proactive measures to release the emotion and help yourself resolve the situation.
TALK FIVE 04/28/09 WORKING WITH EMOTIONS
We now have two tools to use as mechanisms for awareness and change – dreams and self-hypnosis. Next, let’s look at the range of emotions that make up our expressive palette. We all know about anger, sadness, joy, excitement, and fear. We intuitively understand that we come pre-loaded with the ability to experience these emotions, and in a perfect world where adults had perfect knowledge, and children were raised perfectly, there would be very few emotional problems.
Unfortunately, this is not what many of us experience. Instead, we are taught distortions of these natural states. We grow up with a long list of “shoulds” about most of our emotions. Male children should act a certain way and female children another. Crying is weak. Anger is bad. Expressing joy openly is often seen as silly.
Think of some of the rules about emotions that you grew up with. How many of them do you still believe? Did you understand that these weren’t universal truths, but rather artifacts of a particular culture? It might have been the “culture” of your family, of your neighborhood, or even of your school or religious association.
When natural emotions are cut off or deflected into unnatural paths, the result is often dysfunction. In the perfect world that we hypothesized above, children would learn to deal with all their feelings in a healthy way. If this happened we would be able to “grow up” our feelings along with our intellect and our bodies.
Due to a lack of this natural evolution, we often find ourselves dealing with our emotions on the level of a very young child. (Of course, this one is easier to notice in other people!)
How often have you rolled your eyes watching or listening to someone and thinking that they were “acting like a baby?” We watch supposedly mature friends throwing fits of anger, reacting with jealousy or selfishness out of proportion to a given situation. “Growing up” our emotional identity allows us to move through feelings gracefully and without causing harm to others.
Our potential emotional spectrum goes from the most intense to the most subtle. For instance, anger flows from rage at one end of the scale to minor annoyance at the other end, and sadness might range from intense grief to slight regret.
We need to learn to process the “energy” – the expressive charge or intensity - that comes with emotions, in a high-quality way. We need to discharge or “work” with this energy, to give it a positive, constructive pathway. It needs a healthy, useful release.
How do we use and channel our emotions constructively? The formula goes something like this:
- The first step is awareness. Ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?”
- The second step is permission to experience the feeling. You might say to yourself: “It’s okay for me to feel _______. This is a natural response to what is happening."
- The third step is to check whether negative reactions – either internally or from the outside world are blocking your feelings. If this is the case, tell the internalized voices or the external ones to “Bug off.”
- Fourth, work with your feeling. This means finding a positive, safe, non-destructive and perhaps creative way to express yourself.
Remember: It’s your life. You are in control of your own feelings. Empower yourself!
Please share with us experiences you have getting in touch with emotions and allowing yourself to experience them in positive ways.
It is normal and healthy to cycle through emotional states. There is a great story attributed to Solomon. According to this tale, King David was having a tough time and he went to Solomon for advice. David supposedly asked how he could handle all the emotional ups and downs of life. When he was down it felt like it would last forever and when he was up, he wanted it to last forever. So, the story goes, Solomon made him a ring to wear as a constant reminder. Inscribed into the gold was the expression, “This too shall change!”
This story alludes to one of the problems that we can have with our emotions: getting stuck in a groove and allowing one emotion to become our "default" position
How does this happen? We began by talking about learning to deal with our feelings from the people who raise us. Did you have an adult model who was not able to move in a healthy way through their own emotions? Were they always angry or down in the dumps or feeling sorry for themselves? Do you want to emulate that persons’ way of coping?
Another area that gets us trapped into distortions of our feelings is "unfinished business". This refers to situations that are left hanging, incomplete or unresolved. This might be feelings or situations from as long ago as your childhood, or something that happened last week that you are still “obsessing” about.
Remember a clue to being stuck is that you are in an emotional rut.
How do we get unstuck?
Ask yourself:
What is unresolved here?
Can I resolve it and how?
There are many options to clean up unfinished business. These might include:
- Direct action:
Talk to the person.
Change the situation.
Leave the situation. - Indirect resolution:
Use your imagination to create a “make believe” better ending.
Use self-hypnosis to change the story. (See Talk 4).
Ask your dreams for help in creating resolution. (See Talk 2).
Use self-talk to imagine a conversation that you would like to have. You might even allow the other person to also have an imaginary voice and continue this imaginary conversation until you feel satisfied.
Some signs that your emotional temperature has shifted are: laughing, taking a deep breath, sighing, or feeling your muscles relax. Sometimes, you might even experience tears.
The most important step in creating a healthy relationship with your own feelings and an equally important step in respecting the feelings of others is acceptance. Denial is a surefire way to get stuck. Once you have taken this step you open up a richness of expression for yourself and others.
Please share your thoughts, experiences and questions with us. To post a comment or to read the comments written by others, click on the “Comments” link at the bottom of each “Talk”. You can continue to comment on any “Talk” even after new “Talks” are posted.
TALK FOUR HYPNOSIS SELF-HYPNOSIS AND CHANGE
In the last post on fears and phobias we experimented with using self-hypnosis to create change. Let’s look at this phenomenon in more depth.
Just as dreams can be a passage-way into the vaults of our unconscious, hypnosis can be a tool that also allows us access into this hidden realm.
We can think of the unconscious part of our mind as a kind of underground repository of old sensory experiences and actual and perceived memories that are outside of our normal daily awareness. Entering this territory seems to allow us to improve both physical and mental skills and change outdated beliefs. Without the inhibitions and negative thinking of our ‘conscious’ selves we seem able to tap into a powerful source of under-utilized abilities and talent.
Hypnosis allows us to heighten awareness and intensify focus without the visual, auditory and judgmental distractions of our surroundings.
Artists, athletes, writers, musicians and even scientists have instinctively known the usefulness of this altered state. (Albert Einstein is a case in point. When asked how he came to some of his beliefs about the Universe, he claimed that he often just allowed his mind to wander as he stared out the window. Einstein was probably describing the creative surge that can be triggered by a self-induced hypnotic trance state.)
You have most likely been in this mesmerized condition. For instance, staring into space, losing track of real time, and tuning out what’s going on around you can all be the characteristics of a trance state. In all probability, it’s a state of mind we enter when we need ‘time out’. If we want to stretch the definition of trance state we might also include hours spent in front of the television, listening to music, and reading a book. If you are immersed in another time and place when your body is in the present, you are in a trance state!
Think about when you enter into trance states. How aware are you of this?
The exact characteristics of a trance state and the process that enables us to enter it might be somewhat different for different people. It does seem however, that most of us enter this altered reality more often than we think.
Some of the things that trigger or induce trance states are:
Repetitive sounds
Echoing sounds
Humming sounds
Flashing light
Flickering light
Eye focus on one spot
Deep relaxed breathing
Rocking repetitive motion
Think of all the times that you unconsciously slipped into a trance with one of these triggers.
Without being aware of it from early childhood until the present moment, we are walking around in a hypnotic state. Think about the last time someone said, “Gee, you don’t look so good. Are you feeling okay?” Even if you were feeling great before they said this, chances are that you experienced a drop in energy and a vague sense of malaise. Opps! You just got caught in an unintended hypnotic suggestion.
In early childhood we are particularly open to these ‘suggestions’. As we grow older, these earlier ingested beliefs become fertile grounds for newer ‘postings’ of the same messages. Without intention, parents, teachers and others are planting ‘post hypnotic suggestions’ (thoughts that stick with us after the ‘trance’ is over) in the minds of their impressionable charges.
Think of all the messages you received as you were growing up that were negative. How many of these do you think continue to influence you today?
Once you realize how often you are walking around in a trance, it isn’t too big a leap to take conscious control of this process. By piggy backing on times you naturally “trance-out”, you can use hypnosis to:
Explore memories
Change negative beliefs
Change negative habits
Induce relaxation
Eliminate phobias
Here are two simple experiments to try: Plan to induce a trance state using one of the ways you naturally find yourself floating off. Make sure you do this in a safe environment. Increase the depth of your trance by breathing deeply and feeling your muscles relax.
Experiment # 1:
Once you are in this trance state, think about some belief that you want to change. Maybe you hate exercise? So, in your trance state tell yourself that you LOVE exercise. See yourself in the gym smiling and feeling great. Hear cheers as everyone around tells you how great you are to be exercising. Imagine how wonderful your body feels and how great it looks. Keep breathing deeply, take in all the good feelings and tell yourself that when you come back into this present moment you will remember and retain all the good sensations, and feel the desire to exercise.
Experiment #2:
Once again, induce your trance state.
Now imagine that you can float backwards in time. You slide down a time line into the past to an age you’d like to explore. Let yourself be aware of what you see and feel. Where are you? Who is around you? What do you experience? What do you hear? Tell yourself that you are going to bring back memories that make you feel good.
What happened when you tried this experiment?
You can now take this a next step by thinking of one of the negative messages you got as a child. Remember who gave you that belief. Using the same process as you did above, imagine that person saying something that makes you feel good about yourself instead. Assure yourself that you will come back into the present with the new message instead of the old one.
What do you feel when you try this?
Becoming conscious of the extent to which we are susceptible to being ‘hypnotized’ allows us to take back the power – become our own hypnotist and use this power to change old negative suggestions and add our own new positive beliefs.
Hypnosis is both a tool and a state of being that we can use more deliberately in our own lives for change and well being – and perhaps even more consciously in our interaction with others.
Just as dreams can be a passage-way into the vaults of our unconscious, hypnosis can be a tool that also allows us access into this hidden realm.
We can think of the unconscious part of our mind as a kind of underground repository of old sensory experiences and actual and perceived memories that are outside of our normal daily awareness. Entering this territory seems to allow us to improve both physical and mental skills and change outdated beliefs. Without the inhibitions and negative thinking of our ‘conscious’ selves we seem able to tap into a powerful source of under-utilized abilities and talent.
Hypnosis allows us to heighten awareness and intensify focus without the visual, auditory and judgmental distractions of our surroundings.
Artists, athletes, writers, musicians and even scientists have instinctively known the usefulness of this altered state. (Albert Einstein is a case in point. When asked how he came to some of his beliefs about the Universe, he claimed that he often just allowed his mind to wander as he stared out the window. Einstein was probably describing the creative surge that can be triggered by a self-induced hypnotic trance state.)
You have most likely been in this mesmerized condition. For instance, staring into space, losing track of real time, and tuning out what’s going on around you can all be the characteristics of a trance state. In all probability, it’s a state of mind we enter when we need ‘time out’. If we want to stretch the definition of trance state we might also include hours spent in front of the television, listening to music, and reading a book. If you are immersed in another time and place when your body is in the present, you are in a trance state!
Think about when you enter into trance states. How aware are you of this?
The exact characteristics of a trance state and the process that enables us to enter it might be somewhat different for different people. It does seem however, that most of us enter this altered reality more often than we think.
Some of the things that trigger or induce trance states are:
Repetitive sounds
Echoing sounds
Humming sounds
Flashing light
Flickering light
Eye focus on one spot
Deep relaxed breathing
Rocking repetitive motion
Think of all the times that you unconsciously slipped into a trance with one of these triggers.
Without being aware of it from early childhood until the present moment, we are walking around in a hypnotic state. Think about the last time someone said, “Gee, you don’t look so good. Are you feeling okay?” Even if you were feeling great before they said this, chances are that you experienced a drop in energy and a vague sense of malaise. Opps! You just got caught in an unintended hypnotic suggestion.
In early childhood we are particularly open to these ‘suggestions’. As we grow older, these earlier ingested beliefs become fertile grounds for newer ‘postings’ of the same messages. Without intention, parents, teachers and others are planting ‘post hypnotic suggestions’ (thoughts that stick with us after the ‘trance’ is over) in the minds of their impressionable charges.
Think of all the messages you received as you were growing up that were negative. How many of these do you think continue to influence you today?
Once you realize how often you are walking around in a trance, it isn’t too big a leap to take conscious control of this process. By piggy backing on times you naturally “trance-out”, you can use hypnosis to:
Explore memories
Change negative beliefs
Change negative habits
Induce relaxation
Eliminate phobias
Here are two simple experiments to try: Plan to induce a trance state using one of the ways you naturally find yourself floating off. Make sure you do this in a safe environment. Increase the depth of your trance by breathing deeply and feeling your muscles relax.
Experiment # 1:
Once you are in this trance state, think about some belief that you want to change. Maybe you hate exercise? So, in your trance state tell yourself that you LOVE exercise. See yourself in the gym smiling and feeling great. Hear cheers as everyone around tells you how great you are to be exercising. Imagine how wonderful your body feels and how great it looks. Keep breathing deeply, take in all the good feelings and tell yourself that when you come back into this present moment you will remember and retain all the good sensations, and feel the desire to exercise.
Experiment #2:
Once again, induce your trance state.
Now imagine that you can float backwards in time. You slide down a time line into the past to an age you’d like to explore. Let yourself be aware of what you see and feel. Where are you? Who is around you? What do you experience? What do you hear? Tell yourself that you are going to bring back memories that make you feel good.
What happened when you tried this experiment?
You can now take this a next step by thinking of one of the negative messages you got as a child. Remember who gave you that belief. Using the same process as you did above, imagine that person saying something that makes you feel good about yourself instead. Assure yourself that you will come back into the present with the new message instead of the old one.
What do you feel when you try this?
Becoming conscious of the extent to which we are susceptible to being ‘hypnotized’ allows us to take back the power – become our own hypnotist and use this power to change old negative suggestions and add our own new positive beliefs.
Hypnosis is both a tool and a state of being that we can use more deliberately in our own lives for change and well being – and perhaps even more consciously in our interaction with others.
TALK THREE 4/12/09 FEARS AND PHOBIAS
A basic way of looking at the difference between fears and phobias is that fears are based on reality and are often self-protective and useful; phobias on the other hand, are fears that have run away with themselves and become self-limiting and destructive.
Let’s take an interesting example. Let’s say that I am frightened of speaking before an audience. This “normal” fear will create an adrenaline surge throughout my body. I will experience stage fright. Most actors will tell you that without stage fright performances are often dull and uninspired. That surge of adrenaline helps us focus and perform at our peak. On the other hand, when this fear moves into the stage of phobia, I become paralyzed and incapable of performing. Obviously the former is productive and the latter is counter-productive.
Let’s take another example. Let’s say I am afraid of heights. A healthy fear will limit my exposure to dangerous risks like standing too near the edge of a cliff. That same fear moving into the realm of phobia might make living in an apartment building in New York City highly (opps!) problematic.
We can see that fear itself has a practical aspect. It can prepare us for a challenging task and also help protect us from danger. My father, who was a navigator during World War II, would often comfort us children when we were frightened by reminding us that there was nothing wrong with being afraid. He told us that the most dangerous pilots during the war were the ones who did not experience fear. They were the ones most likely to use poor judgment and crash!
Think about some of your own useful fears. These are the ones we don’t want to get rid of but rather listen to. You might want to make a list of these fears and think about the ways they have actually helped you.
To determine whether your fear is a phobia, ask yourself if it gets in your way.
What’s an example of a phobia you have? How does it get in your way? Is it still protective? Could you protect yourself in a healthier way?
Here’s an example of a fear turned into phobia and one alternative way to deal with the fear:
A person who has had very painful experiences with dentists might develop a phobia about dental visits. This can become self-destructive if the person stops going to the dentist. To counter the phobia this person could first acknowledge the fear and understand why it is there. They can then problem solve and create an alternative way of dealing with their fear. For instance, they could find a dentist who is a specialist in dealing with people who have dental phobias.
Another fear that can become problematic when it turns into a phobia is flying. Since we don’t come with our own set of wings, flight is a foreign experience to humans and some degree of caution is natural. This can work to our benefit in choosing a reputable airline. However, it becomes a phobia if it is so severe that it keeps us from conducting business or visiting out-of-town family.
Here are some techniques to help you stay on the positive side of fear:
1) First ask yourself if your fear gets in your way.
2) Use humor to release the tension connected with phobias.
In a group therapy session a woman was going on and on about her terrible fear that in the middle of the night a snake would crawl out from under her bed, slither onto the bed and bite her foot. She had to make sure that the sheets were tucked in just right to prevent the snake attack. This elaborate nighttime ritual was slowly driving her husband nuts. She had been suffering with this fear for as long as she could remember. In a very gentle and wry tone of voice the therapist asked: “So, when was the last time you saw a snake under your bed…?” The woman’s eyes opened wide, she took a deep breath and grinned. At the next group meeting she reported that the snakes were gone. What do you think made the snakes “go away”?
3) Rename what you are afraid of.
A beautiful illustration of this comes from the movie Monsters, Inc. . A little girl, when confronted with those childhood monsters that have a tendency to lurk under beds, transformed the situation. She took one look at the monster, her face lit up and she exclaimed, “Kitty”.
4) Create a mental image of your fear with a capital “F”. What does fear per se look like to you? What is the sound of its “voice”? Imagine a dialogue that you could have with this entity called FEAR. It might go something like this:
You: “You are my fear and you get in my way.”
Fear answers: “Hey dummy, I am only trying to help you.”
You: Actually, you’re not helping!”
Maybe, as you continue the dialogue, you can negotiate a deal with fear and make it a true ally.
5) Using your imagination, become whatever you are afraid of. For example, if you are frightened of flying, you might imagine yourself as an airplane. In your mind describe yourself as this thing. You might say:
“I’m a big, sturdy airplane. I am very powerful and I can fly!”
Taking on the personality of the scary thing defuses its power over you and instead integrates the power into your own ‘force field’. Rather than seeing it as something outside and “other” coming at you, you become empowered and gain control of your feelings.
6) Make a drawing about whatever scares you. This can be on paper or a mental image. Try making it very tiny and then very big. How does that change things? Play with the colors. Make it as realistic as possible first and then change it to totally unrealistic colors. What happens?
Now make this image very small and imagine stomping on it and turning it to dust. Again, what do you feel? What else can you do to this image? Manipulating the mental image of your fear helps you “master” it.
7) Another direction you can take with fear is self -hypnosis. This is actually rather easy to do if you take the following steps:
First find a safe and quiet place. (This is one of those do not do while driving or operating heavy machinery things…)
Get into a comfortable position
Loosen any tight clothing
Begin breathing deeply
Experience the flow of air through your body
As you breathe allow your muscles to relax
Imagine yourself in a very safe and beautiful place
You are now totally relaxed and peaceful
At this point you can give yourself a pre-planned directive. For instance, if you fear public speaking and have to give a talk you might say:
“Speaking in front of an audience is enjoyable.”
“I enjoy sharing ideas with my audience.”
“My audience responds with pleasure and enthusiasm.”
Now imagine your audience applauding you and smiling.
Continue to breathe deeply, telling yourself that when you come back into the present moment you are relaxed and remember how much you enjoy giving your speech.
Gently open your eyes and come back into the room
If you would like to, you can give your “script” to a friend and ask them to read it to you. You could also record it and then play it back as you relax. If music helps you relax you can also add soothing background music.
Try using this simple technique and share your experience with us.
Another self hypnosis technique is one often used by athletes. After they bring themselves to a relaxed state using similar techniques to the ones we just described, they visualize their performance, imagining themselves proceeding with great precision and success. This is simple and very effective. Can you think of something you could use this technique for? Let us know what happens.
The goal of working with fear is to first acknowledge whatever value might be in the fear and then decide how much of the content message we want to keep as protection. Once we make this decision we are able to release the excess invested emotional energy.
You know how it feels when you are carrying a heavy weight – maybe a big box of books or a grocery bag that is over packed? It’s a relief when you finally put it down. You actually feel lighter and can take a deep breath. Now, imagine how good it feels to let go of the heavy burden of unnecessary fear!
LET US KNOW SOME OF YOUR FEARS AND YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH RELEASING THEM.
A basic way of looking at the difference between fears and phobias is that fears are based on reality and are often self-protective and useful; phobias on the other hand, are fears that have run away with themselves and become self-limiting and destructive.
Let’s take an interesting example. Let’s say that I am frightened of speaking before an audience. This “normal” fear will create an adrenaline surge throughout my body. I will experience stage fright. Most actors will tell you that without stage fright performances are often dull and uninspired. That surge of adrenaline helps us focus and perform at our peak. On the other hand, when this fear moves into the stage of phobia, I become paralyzed and incapable of performing. Obviously the former is productive and the latter is counter-productive.
Let’s take another example. Let’s say I am afraid of heights. A healthy fear will limit my exposure to dangerous risks like standing too near the edge of a cliff. That same fear moving into the realm of phobia might make living in an apartment building in New York City highly (opps!) problematic.
We can see that fear itself has a practical aspect. It can prepare us for a challenging task and also help protect us from danger. My father, who was a navigator during World War II, would often comfort us children when we were frightened by reminding us that there was nothing wrong with being afraid. He told us that the most dangerous pilots during the war were the ones who did not experience fear. They were the ones most likely to use poor judgment and crash!
Think about some of your own useful fears. These are the ones we don’t want to get rid of but rather listen to. You might want to make a list of these fears and think about the ways they have actually helped you.
To determine whether your fear is a phobia, ask yourself if it gets in your way.
What’s an example of a phobia you have? How does it get in your way? Is it still protective? Could you protect yourself in a healthier way?
Here’s an example of a fear turned into phobia and one alternative way to deal with the fear:
A person who has had very painful experiences with dentists might develop a phobia about dental visits. This can become self-destructive if the person stops going to the dentist. To counter the phobia this person could first acknowledge the fear and understand why it is there. They can then problem solve and create an alternative way of dealing with their fear. For instance, they could find a dentist who is a specialist in dealing with people who have dental phobias.
Another fear that can become problematic when it turns into a phobia is flying. Since we don’t come with our own set of wings, flight is a foreign experience to humans and some degree of caution is natural. This can work to our benefit in choosing a reputable airline. However, it becomes a phobia if it is so severe that it keeps us from conducting business or visiting out-of-town family.
Here are some techniques to help you stay on the positive side of fear:
1) First ask yourself if your fear gets in your way.
2) Use humor to release the tension connected with phobias.
In a group therapy session a woman was going on and on about her terrible fear that in the middle of the night a snake would crawl out from under her bed, slither onto the bed and bite her foot. She had to make sure that the sheets were tucked in just right to prevent the snake attack. This elaborate nighttime ritual was slowly driving her husband nuts. She had been suffering with this fear for as long as she could remember. In a very gentle and wry tone of voice the therapist asked: “So, when was the last time you saw a snake under your bed…?” The woman’s eyes opened wide, she took a deep breath and grinned. At the next group meeting she reported that the snakes were gone. What do you think made the snakes “go away”?
3) Rename what you are afraid of.
A beautiful illustration of this comes from the movie Monsters, Inc. . A little girl, when confronted with those childhood monsters that have a tendency to lurk under beds, transformed the situation. She took one look at the monster, her face lit up and she exclaimed, “Kitty”.
4) Create a mental image of your fear with a capital “F”. What does fear per se look like to you? What is the sound of its “voice”? Imagine a dialogue that you could have with this entity called FEAR. It might go something like this:
You: “You are my fear and you get in my way.”
Fear answers: “Hey dummy, I am only trying to help you.”
You: Actually, you’re not helping!”
Maybe, as you continue the dialogue, you can negotiate a deal with fear and make it a true ally.
5) Using your imagination, become whatever you are afraid of. For example, if you are frightened of flying, you might imagine yourself as an airplane. In your mind describe yourself as this thing. You might say:
“I’m a big, sturdy airplane. I am very powerful and I can fly!”
Taking on the personality of the scary thing defuses its power over you and instead integrates the power into your own ‘force field’. Rather than seeing it as something outside and “other” coming at you, you become empowered and gain control of your feelings.
6) Make a drawing about whatever scares you. This can be on paper or a mental image. Try making it very tiny and then very big. How does that change things? Play with the colors. Make it as realistic as possible first and then change it to totally unrealistic colors. What happens?
Now make this image very small and imagine stomping on it and turning it to dust. Again, what do you feel? What else can you do to this image? Manipulating the mental image of your fear helps you “master” it.
7) Another direction you can take with fear is self -hypnosis. This is actually rather easy to do if you take the following steps:
First find a safe and quiet place. (This is one of those do not do while driving or operating heavy machinery things…)
Get into a comfortable position
Loosen any tight clothing
Begin breathing deeply
Experience the flow of air through your body
As you breathe allow your muscles to relax
Imagine yourself in a very safe and beautiful place
You are now totally relaxed and peaceful
At this point you can give yourself a pre-planned directive. For instance, if you fear public speaking and have to give a talk you might say:
“Speaking in front of an audience is enjoyable.”
“I enjoy sharing ideas with my audience.”
“My audience responds with pleasure and enthusiasm.”
Now imagine your audience applauding you and smiling.
Continue to breathe deeply, telling yourself that when you come back into the present moment you are relaxed and remember how much you enjoy giving your speech.
Gently open your eyes and come back into the room
If you would like to, you can give your “script” to a friend and ask them to read it to you. You could also record it and then play it back as you relax. If music helps you relax you can also add soothing background music.
Try using this simple technique and share your experience with us.
Another self hypnosis technique is one often used by athletes. After they bring themselves to a relaxed state using similar techniques to the ones we just described, they visualize their performance, imagining themselves proceeding with great precision and success. This is simple and very effective. Can you think of something you could use this technique for? Let us know what happens.
The goal of working with fear is to first acknowledge whatever value might be in the fear and then decide how much of the content message we want to keep as protection. Once we make this decision we are able to release the excess invested emotional energy.
You know how it feels when you are carrying a heavy weight – maybe a big box of books or a grocery bag that is over packed? It’s a relief when you finally put it down. You actually feel lighter and can take a deep breath. Now, imagine how good it feels to let go of the heavy burden of unnecessary fear!
LET US KNOW SOME OF YOUR FEARS AND YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH RELEASING THEM.
TALK TWO 4/5/09 DREAMS
If we continue with the idea of dialogue, our dreams can be seen as part of our internal dialogue. They are a conversation with our unconscious minds - our subtext, the back story so to speak, of our lives. As much as we are impacted by the interactions we consciously perceive, we also are affected by bits and pieces of our history. This can include something as obviously powerful as the dynamics of our birth families or as seemingly insignificant as a visual image from a movie that we saw last week. This is material that has not been assimilated into our conscious vocabulary.
Dreams are wonderful allies in helping us understand why we make some of the choices we make and have some of the feelings we have. They can help us problem solve and fill in missing pieces of our personal life puzzles. Dreams talk to us about the back story and help us integrate it into our present.
We create our own dreams. What does this mean? One way to comprehend this is to look at yourself as both the author and the director of your dreams. Think of them as theater pieces that you are producing. And as with any performance, you are using actors and props to make a point – to get a message across to your audience. Only in this case you are also the audience.
There are probably as many interesting ways to interpret dreams as there are dreamers! Did you know that in the 17th century the Iroquois Indians used dream interpretation as part of their decision making process. At the beginning of the day, families often shared the previous night’s dreams with each other. If they got stuck figuring out the meanings they would consult their shaman and ask for help. Dreamsharing often became a communal activity that helped reduce tensions and resolve conflict within the tribe.
Today we use some of the very same methods as the Iroquois to access the meanings and wisdom of our dreams. One way we can do this is to realize that since we wrote the “script” every thing in the dream is a facet of who we are. We can integrate these parts of ourselves by acting the part of the dream object.
For example, if you dream about a horse you might act this creature out by saying to yourself: “I’m the horse in my dream and I’m big and powerful and I often carry people on my back.” Right away you are getting some feedback about how you perceive yourself. You can continue to build this description of yourself as your dream horse and see what evolves.
Another option would be to begin a conversation in your head between your dream horse and your day-time self. This might go something like: “Hey horse, what are you doing in my dream?” And then you can let the dream horse answer. It might say something like: “I’m trying to give you a clue, buddy. You’re pretty powerful but all this carrying people on your back is getting to be a drag!” What might this tell you about how you’re feeling and changes you might need to make in your life?
We can do the same thing with any objects in our dreams. Remember you put them there. So for instance, if you have a tree in your dream you can repeat the same process you explored with the horse. Describe yourself as the tree. What characteristics do you have? Then talk to the tree and start a similar type of dialogue to the one you had with the horse. What would you ask the tree and what might it answer? This way of “working” with your dreams is richly informative, allowing you to recognize personal attributes that you may not have been aware you possessed.
If you are a person who enjoys visual images you can draw pictures of the objects in your dreams. Just looking at them will stimulate thoughts and ideas. You can also share these images with a friend and ask for their take on your dream – always remembering that while it is a fun way to share, they will probably be telling you more about themselves than about you.
Keeping a dream journal is also an intriguing project. Just keep a pad and paper next to the bed and give yourself permission to spend your first waking moments as special time between you and your dream memories. Remember that you don’t have to write everything. Even a tiny dream fragment can yield a plethora of interesting information.
For those of you who think you don’t dream, or have trouble remembering dreams: As strange as it may sound, try talking to your dream self before you turn off the light. You might say something like: “Please give me a hand here and show up for me in the morning. I’d like your help.” Try this as an experiment and let us know what happens.
And finally we come to the issue of nightmares. What are they? Is it really possible that our own unconscious mind is being that nasty? Let me share a dream that I was recently told and see what you think.
“I am walking through the streets and there are hundreds of snakes. They have their fangs out and I am sure they are going to bite me. I’m trying to be really careful, but finally one of them gets me. It hurts and I am afraid of the poison going through me.”
Sounds pretty scary, right? So imagine what would happen if this dreamer began to take on the identity of “his” snakes. I’ll give you a clue and tell you that this dream happened the night after a particularly powerful therapy session. Another interesting clue is that in ancient cultures snakes represented wisdom and healing. It’s interesting that we often use ancient images, archetypes, in our dreams. With all this added information, what do you think this person‘s dream was telling him? Check out one of your own “nightmares” with this new perspective. What do you find?
PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND DREAMS WITH US. JUST CLICK ON “COMMENTS” AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS TALK.
If we continue with the idea of dialogue, our dreams can be seen as part of our internal dialogue. They are a conversation with our unconscious minds - our subtext, the back story so to speak, of our lives. As much as we are impacted by the interactions we consciously perceive, we also are affected by bits and pieces of our history. This can include something as obviously powerful as the dynamics of our birth families or as seemingly insignificant as a visual image from a movie that we saw last week. This is material that has not been assimilated into our conscious vocabulary.
Dreams are wonderful allies in helping us understand why we make some of the choices we make and have some of the feelings we have. They can help us problem solve and fill in missing pieces of our personal life puzzles. Dreams talk to us about the back story and help us integrate it into our present.
We create our own dreams. What does this mean? One way to comprehend this is to look at yourself as both the author and the director of your dreams. Think of them as theater pieces that you are producing. And as with any performance, you are using actors and props to make a point – to get a message across to your audience. Only in this case you are also the audience.
There are probably as many interesting ways to interpret dreams as there are dreamers! Did you know that in the 17th century the Iroquois Indians used dream interpretation as part of their decision making process. At the beginning of the day, families often shared the previous night’s dreams with each other. If they got stuck figuring out the meanings they would consult their shaman and ask for help. Dreamsharing often became a communal activity that helped reduce tensions and resolve conflict within the tribe.
Today we use some of the very same methods as the Iroquois to access the meanings and wisdom of our dreams. One way we can do this is to realize that since we wrote the “script” every thing in the dream is a facet of who we are. We can integrate these parts of ourselves by acting the part of the dream object.
For example, if you dream about a horse you might act this creature out by saying to yourself: “I’m the horse in my dream and I’m big and powerful and I often carry people on my back.” Right away you are getting some feedback about how you perceive yourself. You can continue to build this description of yourself as your dream horse and see what evolves.
Another option would be to begin a conversation in your head between your dream horse and your day-time self. This might go something like: “Hey horse, what are you doing in my dream?” And then you can let the dream horse answer. It might say something like: “I’m trying to give you a clue, buddy. You’re pretty powerful but all this carrying people on your back is getting to be a drag!” What might this tell you about how you’re feeling and changes you might need to make in your life?
We can do the same thing with any objects in our dreams. Remember you put them there. So for instance, if you have a tree in your dream you can repeat the same process you explored with the horse. Describe yourself as the tree. What characteristics do you have? Then talk to the tree and start a similar type of dialogue to the one you had with the horse. What would you ask the tree and what might it answer? This way of “working” with your dreams is richly informative, allowing you to recognize personal attributes that you may not have been aware you possessed.
If you are a person who enjoys visual images you can draw pictures of the objects in your dreams. Just looking at them will stimulate thoughts and ideas. You can also share these images with a friend and ask for their take on your dream – always remembering that while it is a fun way to share, they will probably be telling you more about themselves than about you.
Keeping a dream journal is also an intriguing project. Just keep a pad and paper next to the bed and give yourself permission to spend your first waking moments as special time between you and your dream memories. Remember that you don’t have to write everything. Even a tiny dream fragment can yield a plethora of interesting information.
For those of you who think you don’t dream, or have trouble remembering dreams: As strange as it may sound, try talking to your dream self before you turn off the light. You might say something like: “Please give me a hand here and show up for me in the morning. I’d like your help.” Try this as an experiment and let us know what happens.
And finally we come to the issue of nightmares. What are they? Is it really possible that our own unconscious mind is being that nasty? Let me share a dream that I was recently told and see what you think.
“I am walking through the streets and there are hundreds of snakes. They have their fangs out and I am sure they are going to bite me. I’m trying to be really careful, but finally one of them gets me. It hurts and I am afraid of the poison going through me.”
Sounds pretty scary, right? So imagine what would happen if this dreamer began to take on the identity of “his” snakes. I’ll give you a clue and tell you that this dream happened the night after a particularly powerful therapy session. Another interesting clue is that in ancient cultures snakes represented wisdom and healing. It’s interesting that we often use ancient images, archetypes, in our dreams. With all this added information, what do you think this person‘s dream was telling him? Check out one of your own “nightmares” with this new perspective. What do you find?
PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND DREAMS WITH US. JUST CLICK ON “COMMENTS” AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS TALK.
TODAY'S TALK 3/28/2009
This blog is designed to give you glimpses into the themes that come up during that magical 45 minute dialogue that takes place in the sanctity of the therapy room. Please join in with your own thoughts and questions.
Why do I use the word dialogue? Do I mean that therapists should talk about their own problems? Of course not. However, if all you need to do is have a monologue, you could sit in front of a mirror and save the cost!
The ability to dialogue is one of the things that makes us human. It allows us to learn and share – to create and recreate our understanding of the world and ourselves. It is an expansive experience rather than a constrictive one.
In the process of therapy dialogue we learn the cadence and rhythm of interaction – the balance of listening and talking. As we practice these interactions in therapy, we experience our interpersonal skills improving in our daily lives.
As children our world is one of needy “narcissism”. Our hunger for attention – our need to be the center – is part of the process of growing up. Ideally, that need is met and we progress into our adult lives with the ability to share the spotlight gracefully.
In reality, most of us grow up either deprived of attention or over attended and left with a distorted sense of giving and receiving. We suffer from this distortion – continuing to be needy and hungry for healthy, balanced love and attention.
Think about your own growing up. Were you given the degree and type of attention you needed?
What do you think about your own ability to interact in a productive give-and-take with the people in your life?
Please share your own thoughts about this topic.
Why do I use the word dialogue? Do I mean that therapists should talk about their own problems? Of course not. However, if all you need to do is have a monologue, you could sit in front of a mirror and save the cost!
The ability to dialogue is one of the things that makes us human. It allows us to learn and share – to create and recreate our understanding of the world and ourselves. It is an expansive experience rather than a constrictive one.
In the process of therapy dialogue we learn the cadence and rhythm of interaction – the balance of listening and talking. As we practice these interactions in therapy, we experience our interpersonal skills improving in our daily lives.
As children our world is one of needy “narcissism”. Our hunger for attention – our need to be the center – is part of the process of growing up. Ideally, that need is met and we progress into our adult lives with the ability to share the spotlight gracefully.
In reality, most of us grow up either deprived of attention or over attended and left with a distorted sense of giving and receiving. We suffer from this distortion – continuing to be needy and hungry for healthy, balanced love and attention.
Think about your own growing up. Were you given the degree and type of attention you needed?
What do you think about your own ability to interact in a productive give-and-take with the people in your life?
Please share your own thoughts about this topic.
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